Donnie, my three year old, wanted to have cereal for dinner.  Sure, why not? Who doesn't like breakfast for dinner?

After I pour his milk on his cereal he says, "Mom, can I have a little more milk?" 

"I think you have plenty", I replied.

"But Mom, I really like milk!", he exclaims.

"Okay", as I start to pour a little milk on top of his cereal.

"MOM!!!!", he yells.

"What is the matter Donnie,  you asked me for more milk."

"Mom are you trying to break my nuts? I wanted it in a cup to drink!"

Just as he said that my mother-in-law walked in the room and said "Donnie, what did you just say?"

Which he replied; "You break my nuts Nana" and he starts to belly laugh. 

After I finally stopped laughing by myself in the corner I came to find out that his best friend at school says this all the time.  Yah, it may be time to talk to his teacher huh?

I am still recovering from BlogHer08. There are so many stories to share.  So many giggle giggles* to document.  But I won't detail all of them.  I have decided to highlight my trip as best as possible.  And let me tell you..trying to pull together all my thoughts of BlogHer08 has proved to be challenging.

Lets go:

Overwhelming: The first night I was there I was paralyzed by my social anxiety.  So much so that I disappeared into a corner and was texting home that it was too overwhelming.  There were A LOT of people.  I was lucky to have a friend to hold my hand and tell me to breathe, slowly. As soon as the crowd thinned out I felt comfortable going up to bloggers I had not met or tapping ones on the shoulders that I read to say hello for the first time.

Self-Validation: Sitting in on the panels that discussed blogging help me come to some sort of direction.  Allowing me to become settled with my feelings of wanting my blog to evolve but questioning how much I want to reveal.  It was comforting to know that almost every blogger I had the opportunity to have intimate conversation with felt they were also having the same anxiety.  As a blogger I let all of you in a very tiny pinhole of my life.  A daily recap of memories, or feelings and stories; but 98% of my life is still not shared because life is to big to squeeze through a pinhole. 

Perception:  This is one area I am still struggling with on how to handle.  This is my blog. My space.  But my ego is still concerned on how my posts will be received.  Judgement is easily concluded when you are sharing your pinhole of a life in a blog.  So my struggle of where to go and how to direct my stories intimidate me sometimes because I know me and I know how my history has shaped me.  But being a people pleaser that I am, I censor myself because I am nervous of how it will be received.  And what I took from this conference was that there are so many women who have the courage to blog for themselves and nobody else.  It was inspiring to see that kind of courage.

Community: Blogging is making a difference.  It is giving women and men a platform to share and create a dialogue between the blogger and their audience.  It has given Moms and Dads dealing with parenting struggles a place to find an outlet/support. The blogging community support is real.  I saw it first hand. I watched my roomie, Mr. Lady, up on a stage packed with over 1,000 bloggers.  She read this post with so much emotion that her voice shook, ad-libbing when needed, body language expressing just how proud but uncomfortable she was up on stage sharing such a personal post with strangers she has never even met.  Then imagine the roar of the crowd as they ALL stood to their feet and gave Mr. Lady a standing ovation.  Every single blogger had tears in their eyes, standing and cheering. Then I watched these same bloggers come up to her and hug her to let her know how her post affected them personally. 

Yes, I have heard about the trolls (and thankfully I have yet to encounter any- whew).  But for the most part the blogging community is filled with extremely supportive understanding people.  This same blogging community is why I decided to fly half way across the country; to experience meeting the bloggers that I called friends prior to ever meeting them face to face. 

Joy:  The pictures from BlogHer Part 2 show smiles.  Tons of smiles.  They are true genuine smiles.  I did not get a chance to take a picture of all the amazing bloggers I had the chance to meet.  But I know I would extend my house to anyone of them to come stay for a visit if they ever phoned saying they are coming to Long Island. 

It was hard to say goodbye to every single one of the bloggers I had the opportunity to spend time with at BlogHer08.  I sat on the plane ride home reflecting on  them and how easily it was to open up and talk to each of them.  I never felt awkward.  A dork maybe, but never awkward.  I will never forget this experience.  It was not about the clinking of the cocktails, or the late night dancing. For me it was about confirming that the relationships we are building with one another online, through comments, emails, twitter, plurk or Cre8Buzz are real.  They are not just friends in  your head.

And lastly, BlogHer08 helped me define my blogging addiction.  It helped me gain clarity of how to use this space. Regardless if I use it to post pictures, silly stories of my kids or sharing stories from my past of how I became me.  This is my blog.

And again, thank you all for chose to visit me daily, or weekly, or monthly.  It means so much to me.

Hugs to all of you who have helped create this addiction!! :)  And I have already started to save for next years BlogHer. I would not miss it for the world!


*totally lifted this from my roomie.

I am going to do a three part series to detail my adventures in BlogHer. 

Part One:

Where to begin?

This post is not going to highlight stories of my adventures here at BlogHer.
This post is not going to share one photo of all the awesome bloggy friends I have met in person.
That post is coming. Soon.

What I wanted this post to say, very simply is if you did not get to attend BlogHer this year, make sure you do what you can to get there next year.

It is that worth it.

I mentioned in my Crossroads post how my blog has become such an important piece of me. Being here at BlogHer just reaffirmed that blogging is a HUGE part of me.  My words will not do justice how being here makes me feel like I am apart of a force.  Yes, a force.  

Sharing this adventure with the bloggers I flew out here to meet has only enhanced this entire experience.  When I take a step back and realize that I am actually spending time with such amazing women and men bloggers it literally makes me shake my head in astonishment.  

Why?

Because these people are my friends.  Real friends.  They are not a 10x10 avatar.  They are not just a comment box.  They are real genuine people.  Hearing their stories, their journeys, their voice in person is something I will carry with me and treasure.

So I promise to share the stories of how I witnessed Mr. Lady bring an entire ballroom filled with every type of blogger to their feet with a standing ovation with tears in their eyes.  Or how I had the pleasure of shaking my ass with some of the sexiest bloggers in blogland.  I will share the amazing pictures of all the blogging superstars I got to hang out with all weekend.

But for now, this post has a simple message:

If you can get to BlogHer next year.  Do it.  You will not be disappointed.

Way back when, before I had the boys (big and little) I had a career that allowed me to travel all over the United States.  Online marketing was just taking off and my company had a very large budget to send me wherever there was a conference to land business. I was able to visit some amazing places.  It was at least twice a month I was off in San Francisco, New Orleans, Hawaii, Florida, Chicago; heck there was even a Reno Nevada trip.  And there was never a problem jumping on a plane and flying alone.  Flying always brought a great adventure.

Fast forward to present day where I now have a husband, two amazing boys and it all adds up to me being afraid to jump on a plane alone.

Today I am getting on a plane to go to the BlogHer conference in San Francisco; alone.  I have not been on a plane alone in eight years.  I am leaving my heart at home.  There are so  many emotions going through my head as I type this post.  I am excited to experience three days of being "me" that the thought leaves me feeling breathless at moments. I am giddy knowing I have six hours on a plane with just my thoughts, my iPod and book.  But my heart.  My heart is so heavy.  Heavy because I will be experiencing something that is important to me without the most important people in my life around me.  I can't come home and share my day, or get kisses because "MOMMYS HOME".

Um, yeah, I know I am missing the big picture right now.  Right now I am wallowing in that "I am going to miss my boys something terrible feeling".  It is my first big girl trip all by myself since I met Mr. JoggingInCircles.  Someone please slap me with the blaring fact that I am going to get the chance to meet some amazing women.  Little ol' Lawng Island accent is going to be around some of the most bad ass, creative, talented, fearless writers in the blogosphere today.  And I am going to be surrounded by new friends that I have yet to even get to know through their blogs.  Excitement is too little of a word to express how star struck I will feel when first walking up to any of these ladies.  Their blogs mean something to me.  This entire BlogHer, blogging experience means something to me.

I need to share how sad I am that not everyone I love in blogland is able to be there (shout out to Angie, ZoeyJane, Boss,  Huckdoll, Karen, Sassy, Mish and more!!)  Hell, I have ebayed my ass off (no mom, not literally) to be able to go myself.  But I do know that my short career as a blogger makes me know that I want to be a veteran. 

So here I am diving head first tomorrow as my plane takes off from New York to San Francisco.

I just wish it did not hurt so much leaving my heart at home.

**I promise to send updates when I can about the BlogHer experience while I am there.  And I pinky promise to catch up on all the blogs I have been missing because of how crazy life has been..

Okay, Not So Wordless, but I am leaving for BlogHer tomorrow afternoon and I am so excited to get this baby packed!!!

Okay, so I am trying this online video thing.  Please be patient and kind.. this is my first attempt.  Also, I know I have shared with some of you how horrible my Long Island accent is, well now you will get to hear first hand.  It is horrible.  But, please be kind to this very sensitive old mom. 

Tonight, I decided to take a video of Donnie and his newly acquired golf skills.  He just received his first pair of lefty clubs last weekend.  His favorite new thing is to put in the house, like Daddy.  So we let him.  Here is a video of my little man. 

AND, I have an early birthday wish for my bloggy buddy Mimzie over at Mimzie's Musings.  I hope you turn it up girl!!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

1. A road that intersects another road.
2. crossroads (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
   1. A place where two or more roads meet.
   2. A small, usually rural community situated at an intersection of two or more roads: asked for directions at a remote crossroads.
   3. A place that is centrally located.
   4. A crucial point. See synonyms at crisis.

In my life right I am at a crossroad.  Never in my 35 years of life has it ever been so neon blaring apparent.  I find myself questioning just about everything.  I have never been more curious about my life than I am right now. 

This past January I made a promise to myself to improve me.  I started taking photography lessons, jogging, trying to find my style for blogging and finding time to read novels again.  Well seven months into the year and in my quest to improve me, I have turned me upside down.

I found that I am more than a wife.
I am more than a Mom.
I am more than just a good friend, sister or daughter.
I am more than an employee.
I actually have needs.  Needs that none of the labels I listed above fall into.

But turning me upside down is shaking up my old Type A ass.  I am a list maker, I always need a plan.  I lay out the boys clothes for the entire week so that I don't have to worry about it every morning.  I am rarely, if ever late for anything.  I spend all of my free with the boys, my house is always clean, the laundry is always folded and dinner is made five night a week.   (begs for you to stop the eye rolling, please, lol)

Now?  I am shaking things up so much that I am finding myself constantly changing my "life plan" to accommodate my new desires.  Especially in photography.  I started taking lessons so that I can become "good enough" to become professional and photograph children as a part time income.  But now?  I can't even say that I want to go professional because it has become more of a creative outlet than something I want to monetize.  I see things differently now than I did before. I am doing it for me, not for others.

A very close friend of mine that I love to death recently said to me; "I only have site, I don't have vision."  Those eight little words helped define what is happening to me.  I am starting to see the world differently now.  I don't just see a tree anymore, I see the movement in the wind turning the leaves, the angle of the sun.  And I try to study what emotion I want to pull from the tree.  I have such a long way to go, but my camera makes me appreciate the little things I would have never even noticed before.

And then there is my blog.  Again, when I started blogging I had no intentions at all with showcasing me, I was just going to showcase how I can be a pretty decent Mom and occasionally tell a funny story along the way.  And while I still do posts like that, I am trying to open up more and share more of who I am.  I am not a writer.  I over punctuate and I normally find when I have pushed a post live that there are at least three spelling errors or poor choice of words even after I have proof read it a billion times.  (so thank you to you readers that still keep coming back!!)

Then there is the amazing community in blogging.  I have forged real, genuine friendships with so many bloggers that I actually find people I have never met in my dreams, or referencing them in my "real life" conversations because I feel that close with them.  To me they are real friends.  Really talented friends too I might add.   I just don't get to hang out with them (yet).

If you asked me at the start of the year, would I still be blogging, or if the photography would become so apart of my life I would have flat out told you "no way".  I was a mom.  I had no room for hobbies.  (roll eyes now on how stepford wives that sounded, but it is true).

Right now, that could not be furthest from the truth.  But being the Catholic I am, I am now plagued with guilt.  Non-stop guilt.  There is the left side of my brain telling me to leave well enough alone, keep to the lists.  But my right side of my brain is screaming for me to finally let it explore life. 

So now I walk a very fine line.  I am still very much a loving wife, an involved overly attentive Mom but I take time out now for me.  After the kids are to bed, the hubby is fed, dishes are done, laundry is folded I flip open my laptop and journal for my blog plurk, or edit pictures.  On the weekends I have my camera wrapped around my neck 24/7.   I have found that when I fill my tank up with me time, that I am better.  Simple as that, I am better.

Me time.  I need it.  This new road is blank.  I am going to create it as I go, no plans, no lists.

My only question, will I ever get rid of this guilt?